Seasons are Changing and Waves are Crashing

My life currently feels like I just got out of the clothes dryer and am facing a whole different world. When I went in, I was wet. I come out dry.

Last night I watched a movie with Pavel. There was a woman in the movie who had high blood pressure because of her angry husband. Her husband would have incidents of verbally abusive rage, yet the woman stayed and still loved him. At one point Pavel said, “But she loves him anyway.” I replied, “She’s crazy.” He said, “She’s crazy? No, he is crazy! She is merciful!” Last year I might have agreed with him; now this year it’s so opposite, it really seems unthinkable. It just came out of my mouth that she is crazy, because she is. She ended up dying because of being with him. She had no boundaries and she was crazy. And Pavel said she was merciful,

That gives a fairly good description of how it’s been to be here in Europe with two people who don’t quite understand what a lot of my life has been about for the past 9 months. I don’t hate them or fault them for it at all. I just feel adrift and alone. It’s exacerbated by the fact that I feel pressure to “get a man.” It seems like everyone wants me to find someone. It’s hard because I want to find someone, too, but I am choosing not to because I need to be single right now. So add all of that together, and I feel so much pressure and feel very misunderstood. Sometimes overlooked and invisible. Carly is the star – she is a new person and everyone loves her and thinks her hilarious, which she is. I don’t fault them for that either. I realize my relationship with Pavel and Simona has changed since I have divorced. It just makes for a hard time when I come home for lunch and they have bought Cherry Coke for Carly because it’s her favorite drink, but have neglected to get a drink for me. Or when Carly and Simona chat chat chat, and, I both have nothing to say and am barely addressed. Because I am out of place. Am I doing things about this? Of course. I have to take care of myself. I need to or I might lose my mind and feel very lonely. This highly triggers my childhood. So tonight I went and bought myself my favorite juice. And some ice cream just because I wanted some. I am trying to honor myself and my wants right now. It’s harder simply because I am so “islanded” but it’s even more important. I need to take good care of myself to lessen the resentment I am close to feeling. And the loneliness that is terrible both because I really want a boy and I am excluded in a sense.

I am really sad. Really grieving these changes. I am a new person, I feel it, but it means leaving so much old behind. So many old habits, family, friends. Old ways of living. I no longer will lay down and let others run over me, at least not to the extent I used to. I speak up from myself and respect myself more. I am myself, I am not so religious as I used to be, but I am spiritual. And I am grieving because as myself, I am automatically excluded. Not out of rudeness but simply because I don’t fit in the puzzle. I liked this puzzle; I am really sad that I no longer fit in it. I am grieving what I am losing. But what I am finding is so beautiful.

And you know, I find too that being out of place is really pushing me to BE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT. I am almost forced to be myself. And the more I am here the more myself I am. Because it really just doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t fit in anyways. I might as well stand out and just be whatever. I only edit because I must. (my cussing habits really) And part of me is still afraid to be myself. But it is diminishing and I am slowly crawling out of my cocoon. Accepting myself. And letting myself be seen.

“Why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?”



Songs from my Teenage-hood

Evanescence – Hello

playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she’s not breathing?
hello i’m your mind giving you someone to talk to

if i smile and don’t believe
soon i know i’ll wake from this dream
don’t try to fix me i’m not broken
hello i’m the lie living for you so you can hide
don’t cry

suddenly i know i’m not sleeping
hello i’m still here
all that’s left of yesterday


“hello I’m the lie living for you so you can hide…”

That reminds me right now of me and my Dad, and how I’ve been for him my whole life.

Saying no.

I’ve said yes to you for too long.

Yes to victimization. Yes to abuse. Yes to doing things that I don’t want to do. Yes to your body. Yes to your wishes forced on mine.

I’ve said yes to you for all my life.

When I was young I really had no choice. I had no way to escape. For years even after being 18 I believed this to be true. I married you, because I thought I had no choice. It’s twisted and strange, but only too true.

Forms of love are often what keep us from saying no. In this case that’s true. I loved you, in a form and fashion. I loved you because I lived off of you. I knew no other way to live. To begin with you made it my prerogative. Then it became the choice I didn’t know I could unmake.

I said yes to living with you like a roommate, because I had never said no. I knew I was worth more. I didn’t know I could say no. I tried to say no in a million ways, but kept you with me because I couldn’t unmake you. I screamed, belittled, raged, threw the wedding ring in your face, got silent, shamed, despised, and disconnected. I found other ways to satisfy yet still keep hold of your hand. I thought I had to.

I signed papers saying that we were no longer connected. I walked away from you, saying no for the first time. My heart was still saying yes.

I met others like you. I didn’t know yet that I could say no. I said yes without thinking. Subconscious memories become action, because I hadn’t undone you. I said yes, yes, yes… Inside, the little girl screamed, “no, no, no!”

There are many ways I can unmake you, and still need to.

But today I am saying no in another form and fashion.

I am saying no to disrespect of my body. My body is worth respect. I am telling the you that lives on inside my subconscious, “No.” I am telling you “I am worth more. I will behave as if I’m worth more. I am beautiful and desirable but I am not a toy. I will not be physically used. I will be connected with physically or I will not use physical touch at all.”

No. I am worth more.

Someday I will give myself the safety and strength to say no to more of you.

december stories part 1

Things I remember from the week after my sisters died:

Posting lyrics from “Everlasting God” on my Facebook status. ”

Getting a huge peace lily from the Farringtons in Azerbaijan.

Staying up til 4:30am on December 9th so I didn’t have nightmares.

My boyfriend getting upset at the hospital because he didn’t feel like my family accepted him. I was frustrated because it was too much for me to deal with.

Going to visit my dad every day and not wanting to be there. Exhausted.

Going snowboarding the next Saturday.

Meeting with Betty Ross and a lady from Texas. Remembered feeling like it would be good for Grace. I have no idea what they said to us. I wanted the help but I didn’t know what to ask for, or how to ask, or that I could ask.

Jesse answering a lot of my phone calls after awhile.

Mama Shay calling, talking about how horrible it was.

Getting thousands of texts from people.

Russell and Lindsay coming down from Loveland. Lindsay’s card and the CDs she gave me. Russell trying to get me to talk about what happened and I didn’t want to.

Becca came to see me. Tried to get me to talk about what happened, I didn’t want to.

David, JT, Valerie came over and gave us gift baskets. An Ipod. the Anberlin CD. Midnight Pomegranate spray from Bath and Body.

Aaron Bogard came over and just watched movies with us.

Shanthi came over and talked with me for awhile. This was one of the only incidents I can think of where someone came and just sat with me and cared for me… I remember her rubbing my legs, feeling loved…

Going up to the 8th floor of Penrose Hospital to look up some casket information for my Aunt.

Shopping for clothing for the funeral. My aunts bought me an $80 pair of heels without a thought. Not that money matters it was just… out of character.

Waking up the next day and thinking my dad had died, and that I couldn’t handle any more bad news. Trying to go back to sleep and couldn’t. Only got 3 hours of sleep.

Sharon Wall came over and gave me a little stuffed lamb. It made me sad because it reminded me of Rachel.

Shopping for shoes for Stephanie to be buried in.

Everyone was trying to keep us away from the media.

Gil, Lizzie, and Cassidy came to the hospital, we all sat in a little room and talked. I have no idea where that room is in the hospital. No clue whatsoever. Lizzie gave me the bible verse “seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.”

Broke down one night and couldn’t stop crying. I was listening to “If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens. I went upstairs and tried to wake Jesse up but he was sound asleep. I wanted to die. I was sitting in the darkness and I felt so incredibly alone. I wanted the world to end right there in that moment.