Breakthrough

Last night I decided to give my new tarot deck one more round of “let’s see what it comes up with” before bed. For those of you who don’t follow my Twitter, I’ve been obsessed with tarot card reading lately. And by lately I mostly mean the last 3 days since I bought this deck of cards.


(Can be purchased at Osho.com)

A friend of mine had used these cards before, so I was familiar with them. This particular tarot is very heavily Zen Buddhist based, one reason I like it. I also love tarot because I’ve always been a highly intuitional person, and it really resonates with that part of me. Hence, the obsession I’ve had with them the past few days…but really maybe always without knowing it. When I had the cards in my hands, I truly felt as if they’d been waiting for me.

So, back to last night. I poured my energy into the cards, shuffling away one last time before bed. I decided to use a paradox setup – 3 cards, one representing past, one representing present, one representing the insight into the paradox. As I shuffled, a card danced its way right out of my hands and fell upright on the floor.

I stared.

I had read earlier yesterday that when a card falls out of the deck like that when shuffling, it’s probably significant. Well, no doubt. Even the picture on the front screamed its obvious significance.

I also knew right away that this was the “present” card of the set of 3. I laid it down, still staring. I continued to shuffle then drew the other 2 cards.

Past:

Insight:

The present card was obviously the highlight of this reading. But the other 2 cards were also loaded. I’ve been flowering – obviously. That’s the past image. True of the past long while, especially of the last 2 years. Insight – I’ve still felt like an outsider. On the edges of life. Unable to fully connect with people. You can’t tell in this picture, but the lock on that gate is ACTUALLY unlocked, the child (inner child?) just doesn’t realize it.

And present is breakthrough.

Today, I got it.

I woke up this morning and immediately felt cautious. My first thought on waking was wondering, “Will today be as good as yesterday? What if it’s not?” Fear came on me instantly. I’ve been struggling hard with fear for the last few months in general, and this one in particular struck right at my fear of loss. What if I lose what good I have?

All morning I tried to combat this feeling. I tried to make the fear go away. My mind whirred and turned over itself trying to analyze it away, to stave it off. Really, I was obsessing. Trying to create a barrier between the fear and myself. Trying to analyze its roots, trying to MAKE IT GO AWAY.

(This is how I always treat uncomfortable feelings. Analyze obsessively to find the root so I can MAKE IT GO AWAY. I can remember starting this as a teenager and I haven’t stopped since. Find the root to make it disappear. Self-awareness is a curse sometimes when your perfectionist nature uses it in such a cruel way. In making pain disappear, I’ve had to make myself disappear too.)

I was a mental wreck and I hated my poor overwraught mind as I watched it torture itself. I tried to have compassion, but I was really frankly rather disgusted. Thankfully, I had grabbed The Untethered Soul and left it in my car so I could read it on break. I’ve been reading this book for the past month or so (because of Sarah Somewhere – thank you beyond words!) and it has been immensely comforting.

I read voraciously on break, trying to find some way out of this awful fear prison I was tangled up in… terrified that the fear was real and I’d lose everything. That the Universe doesn’t give a crap about me and nothing good is headed my way.

But while I was reading, something finally clicked.

I was afraid because I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t want to lose because that would hurt. BAD. And I know how bad, oh, I know. I’ve experienced quite enough to know. To keep myself away from that pain, my brain could whir on and on forever, creating layers of self-protection.

This morning, I read through a chapter in this book and some words at the end rocked me, and I got it:

You must be willing to accept pain in order to pass through to the other side. Just accept that it is there and that you are going to feel it. Accept that if you relax, it will have its moments before your awareness, then it will pass. It always does.”

My entire perspective changed in that moment and I relaxed. I let the pain in. Instead of contracting around it like usual, I relaxed. Expanded. For a few moments, I shook and tears came to my eyes. Then it settled down to a soft burn, and it’s been there burning all day. Slowly burning all that I’ve been so afraid of.

I feel different. Like anything could happen and I would be okay because… it’s just pain. I can handle the pain. I will feel it, and it will pass, like it always does.

It felt exactly like the picture on that card.

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10 Replies to “Breakthrough”

  1. Aaaah this is so beautiful Laurie, and of course, I can relate. The fear of losing what we have is surely one of the most useless fears, and yet, I struggle with it too. I love OSHO so this really struck me, as do all your posts and your whole beautiful, imperfect journey. You are a true light in this world, Laurie!!! Much love to you my friend xxx

    1. 🙂 I was hoping you’d stop by this post, since you played a big part in its making!!! Thank you so much my lovely friend. Please know too that if you’d ever like a reading sometime (free – I’m not charging for them) I would be happy to do one. 🙂 Thank you as well for your beautiful light, your words have gotten me through many hard days!
      And as you say in the comment below… indeed, even fear has its place to move us towards enlightenment…

  2. Actually, as I wrote this, I realized that nothing is ‘useless’. As you wrote about here, even our fear of loss can lead us to a breakthrough, so in that way, everything we feel and experience is leading us further along the path.

  3. I can relate to this so much! For my whole life I’ve lived with fear — and I’ve always pushed and hidden those emotions, because they are scary. I’ve started meditating recently and one of the things I’m learning is to just let my emotions be — without judging them. To just acknowledge them, be curious about them (where they are coming from and why), and then just to let them be. They do move on eventually and I’m not dying from feeling them.

    1. They are scary! I agree! And learning to be with emotions is hard for people like us that like to hide them or make them go away. But so glad to hear, Jana, that you are on this journey with me too… fellow sojourners on the path to what a friend of mine calls “recovery from numbness.” 🙂

  4. Wow, this was a really beautiful read, and really resonated with me. Yes,any breakthrough is likely to involve pain but it needn’t last and it’s not helpful to label it bad – it’s just part of the process and the focus needs indeed to be on the other side, and the faith and knowing that ‘this too shall pass’. Glad to have found you:-) I love the Osho Tarot. Perhaps it’s time to borrow my Mum’s pack again, it’s been a while… H xxx

  5. Hi I am new to the blog word. I was reading about your obsession with the tarot cards. I am into them too. I would like to buy a deck where did you get yours if you don’t mind me asking? Are you having fun with the cards?

  6. I am super into tarot too. Though I have heard you are not supposed to do readings on yourself. One time I tried and it said I was going to commit suicide so I was like, “nope. we’re done here.” That’s an interesting deck!

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