For the past month or so, I’ve been in a book club with a group of girls working through The Desire Map by Danielle Laporte. The book is massively inspiring. It’s turned me much more towards inner goals than outer ones, even though I still struggle with that as a goal oriented person.
I went through the book and narrowed down my Core Desired Feelings to these:
As I look at these, I see 3 things.
1. A sense of rootedness to something secure and steadfast.
2. An easygoing flow and movement that connects me to
3. An electric and liberating experience, high energy vibration.
To me, it’s like an electric flow. It has to be grounded in order for energy to be transmitted, but when it is grounded, energy flows through the wire and turns on the light.
I went to see my therapist today for the first time in about 3 months. I was desperately overdue for an appointment. I still feel so ridiculously relieved to have sat across from him today, someone I regard as the safest person in my life. I probably am more honest with him than I am with anyone.
As we talked, I was really surprised to hear myself returning to my desired feelings. They came out of my mouth more often than not. I have a deep heartache that wants belonging. But I don’t know how to get there. I need a home base (to be grounded) that I know will not shift. Yet I do not want to be stuck in the confines of groundedness. Buried underneath the obligations of rules and ways to live. Life is spontaneous. It needs flow. It needs expansion. It needs liberation.
I heard all of these things today as I talked. And I suddenly realized what I am doing.
If you are familiar with psychology or therapy at all, you know about attachment theory and what that is. (Bowlby)
It’s the stage where the child knows the parent is present, but is ready to explore. This is the time when the child walks away but looks back to see if Mom or Dad is still there.
It’s no mystery at all to me that my attachment is fucked up. My mom will readily admit that she was a detached parent (and has apologized for her parenting). My dad was inconsistent. Either he was overly present and usually punishing when he was, OR, he was completely distant and not to be seen – usually off with a book or the computer. I would make an offhand guess that my attachment style is either avoidant or disorganized.
My core feelings? The ones I want to feel?
They are ALL about recreating a safe attachment. A place to be grounded and have a home base, but where I am free and allowed (flow) to explore (liberated, electric). Following my bliss, for me, is all about recreating the missing elements in my childhood.
This book has helped me in realizing what those elements are, and that I am empowered to give them to myself, instead of having to recreate them over and over with someone I perceive as an attachment figure. That, to me, is beautiful and miraculous. Hard, and sometimes excruciatingly so… especially on days where I don’t even want to get up. But it’s doing something for me, too. It’s teaching me that people are not responsible for my bliss.
I am! I have all I need – including the resources to ask others for needs, too.
I thought this was a pretty cool line of thought and wanted to share it with you all.
I’m curious, what does following your bliss look like to you? What do you most want to feel? Do you think those feelings relate to what you missed out on in childhood? Or something else? Tell me in the comments!