One can learn a lot in 2 years.

Today I am officially 2 years sober from alcohol!!!

I am laying in bed at 10 o clock in the evening, nursing an ear infection, with a dinner that for some reason upset my stomach and had me in the bathroom for 30 minutes (TMI, I know. Deal with it), and yet, I am smiling. Gratitude. Despite not feeling great I went to a meeting tonight and celebrated with my community. It was a new meeting but it’s amazing how even there where I know no one but one other person, my Higher Power meets me. It’s magical.

My whole sobriety is fucking magical.

Despite the last couple of weeks where my sick and twisted brain has tried to convince me that I’m not an alcoholic (denial never leaves, y’all), I see tonight that it’s crazy I’m sitting here. I told a run-down of the last two years tonight and as I spoke I marveled. Because when I decided 2 years ago to go into recovery, I have no idea why I did. I just for some reason thought, “I can’t stop this. I need help.” I have no idea why. It was not a huge moment. It was just a decision.

And yet it has been the best thing in my life. I’ve learned some major things, like:

  • For me to drink is to die. It still takes a bit for this to get through to my brain, but it rocks me when it does. I realize that my drinking will actually lead me to a. kill myself or b. kill someone else. Actually, B is probably more likely. I drank and drive quite a bit and almost wrecked into someone once. The fear of killing someone honestly does keep me sober some days.
  • I can’t do sobriety by myself. I tried for quite some time, to do things my own way. And honestly it DID work, until it didn’t. And when it didn’t, it really didn’t. I had to get a new sponsor back in November because I almost drank. I had been working steps only with someone in my other program. Same steps, but working with an addict who gets it is so much different. And I didn’t think it was… until I was faced with it. Which brings me to…
  • Taking suggestions. They always say this in my recovery program and I always thought I was good at it until I started doing it. Then I was like, “oh. Haha. I can’t take suggestions. Haha! Yikes on bikes.” Which THEN also brings me to…
  • Humility. For reals. You guys I thought I was the bomb.com when I started recovery, because I HAD DONE THE STEPS in another program so I KNEW. I didn’t know. It took me a long time to figure out that I didn’t know. Probably at least 3-4 months. Maybe more. And some days I still have to be humble and admit I don’t know. And damn some days that sucks. But when I get it, I learn so much more than I ever thought I could.

I think maybe one of the things I’m most grateful for is that today, I know what I love. Back when I first got sober, I had no idea what I liked to do. I liked to drink and that was about it. Or sometimes play guitar. Today?

I love hiking. I love spoken word poetry. I love writing this blog. I really deeply love my spiritual practice and having one that I try to commit to. I’m passionate about buddhism (which is a huge part of my practice) and what that has opened up for me. I’m passionate about true spirituality in general and people who are committed to that practice. I love being with my community. Hanging out with friends. Having an artistic community. Steering people towards a life they REALLY love. LAUGHING. Private jokes. The outdoors. Plants. The ocean and beaches where I’m alone. TRAVEL – and NOT just to run away from life by doing it.

2 years ago, I couldn’t have named any of that. Even a year ago I couldn’t have.

Honestly, only my Higher Power and doing the work I’ve done could have got me to where I am today, and I could not be more grateful. I have a life that I love and I am present within it. That is a wonderful gift. It strikes me that, after having a brush with death in more ways than one, I am privileged to have a life today where I am fully present to it.

I could not ask for more.

I’m toasting you all with my cuppa tea over here… here’s to you all, sober community – thank you for being a part of my sobriety. And to the rest of you who read, here is to you for being witness to this beautiful life, it truly brings healing to me to have you read.

Thank you.

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56 thoughts on “One can learn a lot in 2 years.

  1. Huge congrats! A day away from alcohol for those like us is a miracle, but when those days become weeks, months, years it is so gratifying that we can live without the yoke of active alcoholism on our backs

  2. Congratulations sweet, SW. You’re inspiring in more ways than one and your sobriety is just a small piece of that magical pie. I hope you get to feeling better and that you enjoyed your anniversary. Hugs and love. xox

  3. Big huge congrats to you, my dear friend! That’s amazing – you’ve had quite the journey, and sobriety is just one part of it. A big part, but a part. We are more than our sobriety, and yet sobriety gives us everything that we never had before – a deeper connection to our HP and to others in our lives. We were cut off from all of that and just succumbed to our alcoholism (and other -ism’s).

    I am so happy for you and proud to know you.

    Blessings and hugs

    Paul

    1. Thanks Paul! 🙂 It has indeed been quite the journey – and by journey I mean my life thus far. And I am so incredibly grateful for what sobriety has given me that I wouldn’t have otherwise… many of the things I listed that I have learned in the past two years. 🙂
      Sending peace back to you, and thank you for being part of my sober community!

  4. Congrats! Love your raw honesty. I had no idea what I liked either when I first got sober. That has been one of the greatest gifts – getting to know myself! It’s never too late! Hope you feel better soon!

  5. This is absolutely a beautiful post~ thanks for sharing. I hope you feel better soon! I look forward to reading more of your blog as I just found it! Best Wishes!

  6. So very proud of you.

    I am intrigued and in love with the idea that you now know what you love. When we use something other than Love to fill that empty space, we are numb to all the joys (and pain) life can bring us. Alcohol has never been my -ism but I could stand to learn a lesson or two from this idea. 🙂 *WANTS TO LOVE MOAR THINGS*

    1. ❤ BESTIE! :-* I love love love you.
      I know isn't it crazy? I feel like it's the weirdest thing, and also the awesomest. definitely was numbed out to sooooo much and now am open to soooo much more! DO IT MOAR LOVE IS MOAR AWESOME 🙂 love you so much!!!

  7. Congratulations on 2 years. I just found your blog, and I think I can learn a lot here. I am 19 days shy of 6 months. Working through the steps. Your insight is inspiring.

  8. “It strikes me that, after having a brush with death in more ways than one, I am privileged to have a life today where I am fully present to it.” – This I understand in so many ways. Congratulations dear. -Hugs-

  9. You bad ass sister wife, you!

    Isn’t it amazing all the things you find you love to do sober? it’s like, a whole new world opening.

    Goddamn, I’m proud to call you a sister wife! You’re remarkable!

    1. It’s INCREDIBLE!!!! I can’t believe it and I’m so grateful. For instance I never would have found spoken word without my sobriety, I am pretty sure. I just wouldn’t have had time. It’s SO AWESOME! I am just completely floored that I actually know what I like nowadays! 🙂
      Awwww… well goddamn Samara, I am proud to call YOU Sister Wife, too! ❤ From what I know of you, you are pretty bad ass yourself. I'm so inspired by you. Love!

      1. You’re having a more profound affect on my life than you realize.

        First, yesterday was the first time I listened to spoken word in YEARS. And how coincidental that it mentioned Tyler Clementi, who was a huge news story right in my area?

        Or maybe there are no coincidences.

        And next- someday, Laurie- I will be able to write a story that I’ve not yet written. When I do, you’ll be the first to know. ❤

      2. It’s mutual. What you wrote me the other day was really profound, Samara… honestly it’s inspiring for what I’d like to create going forward. And I had no idea we had as much in common as that. I’m so grateful you shared with me what you did. I’ll be here when you write it. ❤
        And I wondered if it had been a long time since you listened to a poem! I'm so blown away that it got to be your reintroduction… that poem.. gah. I agree. No coincidences. I just don't believe that… I believe there are moments when the Divine or WHATEVER it is just puts something like that in our path to make us open a little further towards the light.
        So grateful for you.

      3. I actually asked my 10 year old to come up and watch it with me a second time. It was about 3 years ago when that horrible incident happened with Tyler Clementi, and he remembers it.

      4. Wow. I can see how massively impactful it was to the community, then… I hadn’t ever read the whole story and just did. I’m now feeling very sober and silent. Will be keeping some silence today for him.

      5. It was a terrible tragedy and he was a beautiful boy.

        The problem is that all this technology is so new, there are no laws in place to protect against this sort of horrific invasion of privacy.

        I work with high school kids. All of them agreed that they would have felt like their lives were ruined after such humiliation.

        I loved that poem. It spoke to my heart. I want to send a copy of it to the Tyler clementi foundation.

      6. I saw the picture, he was a beautiful boy… my heart broke just looking at it. 😦 I know, definitely more standards need to be in place to protect from that kind of thing. It’s so horrible.
        Oooh yes. I think you should send a copy to them, I bet it would touch them deeply.

  10. There is so much strength in knowing what you can’t do alone… I’m so proud of you for getting what you need! And what you love! And what you can’t do without, you beautiful, audacious thing.

    1. That is so true, and my sobriety is something I definitely cannot do alone. Thank you so much! 🙂 Awww and I just adore that you called me audacious… favorite thing of the day. 😀 ❤ you, SW!

  11. “To drink is to die.” Truer words, my friend. I still have those moments after 17 years and although I can squash them at the speed of light, it always amazes me that the addiction is still there. No matter how long it has been. You nailed it when you said the denial never leaves.
    Congratulations! Two years one day at a time is not a small thing…I know. You are amazing and I feel the elation in this post. So many things you love and all of them amazing!

  12. Congratulations! I just hit two years sober, myself. Everything you wrote was spot on, and I wish you the best.

      1. Thanks, Laurie! My two year mark was actually in April, but without trying to sound cheesy, I truly believe that every day sober and living right is cause for celebration.

  13. I’m 4.5 years in. It is hard, but beautiful in ways I didn’t foresee. Happy birthday, and good luck!

  14. Wow, Laurie. I read this earlier and couldn’t and still can’t quite get my words around it. Two years is huge…that’s 730 days. (I did that in my head, so it might be wrong…probably is.) What a commitment. I watch so many people I love struggle with addiction, particularly with alcohol, and it warms my soul to see someone come out on top with such joy and delight after reading what you’ve been through. You are an inspiration.

    1. Thanks Mandi 🙂 I’m really, really grateful. I can see how it could have gone so differently and I am so glad I got out when I did – which, heaven knows why I did, because there was no clear reason. I can only credit it to whichever Higher Power is watching out for me.

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