Okay. I overdid it.

I wrote awhile back on how full my life was. I’ve had some friends caution me in the past 2 weeks about taking care of myself. I even thought I was fine, just doing life. Well. I was wrong. (Surprise!)

I got to this weekend and I have been totally wiped out. Not a little, but a lot. To the point where I’m noticing emotionally to an extent that I haven’t in a long while. I went to a poetry slam last night, and while the content was deeply moving as usual, one poem particularly rocked me. A woman shared about the death of her mother.

During the poem, I was okay. I could hold it together. It made something deep inside me ache, but I could hold it together. The next poet came up and did a funny poem to break the mood. Except it didn’t break mine. Something had lodged in my throat and in the spaces between my vertebrae. When I laughed at his lines, suddenly that’s when the tears came. I sat laugh-crying as my stomach contracted trying to purge up the feelings. Death and sadness, of course.

It stuck with me. Another poet, just after that, did a poem I’ve heard him read before about his time in Afghanistan. It’s rough, but I was able to sit through it the first time. I couldn’t sit through it last night.

I only get like that when I’m terribly overextended. rย Worse, I’m 3 weeks from a recovery anniversary and I haven’t been at enough meetings. I went to oneย alcohol recovery meeting last week. That was not enough.

I’m not even going to tell you what I did all week. I had it all written out and it made me sick to look at all of it.

And now when all the feels are hitting… things are crashing on my head. It’s the Columbine anniversary tomorrow. On April 29 I have another anniversary for a former Azeri student (knew him when I was teaching English in Azerbaijan) who was shot and killed. I have some other stuff coming up that’s rough that I can’t mention here just yet, but I’ve felt it coming on for about a month now. I’ve worked very hard to build a recovery community, and lately it’s felt like I still have no one, or very few, to fall back on. I know part of that is my own brain after being out of meetings the past couple weeks. But part of that is true. And I’m really tired of working so hard and getting nothing.

Hell, I’m just really tired.

I’m not going to take an official blogging break, but if you don’t see me here for a bit, that’s why. You’re welcome to read my other material especially if you’re new here. (See my About The Writer section) That in itself explains why it’s so imperative for me to make sure I’m gentle with myself.

Think of me. I’ll be back when I have more to give, which hopefully will be soon. I’m off to do some self care. ๐Ÿ™‚

Love you all.

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24 Replies to “Okay. I overdid it.”

  1. Thinking of you lots. You’re doing the right thing.

    I hope you get the support you need, and that you’re able to gather the pieces of yourself back together again.

    Take care xx

  2. I so get you, Laurie. Absolutely get you. Do what you’re nudged to do. I’ve done it twice now. Step away and take a wee break. Get recentered. Take a look at the big picture. Get refreshed. Work through the shitty stuff. Get back on solid ground.

    I am with you. And I am sorry to hear you have so many painful memories being stirred. sounds like you’re coming up against something that is demanding your attention.

    And if I can suggest, and this comes from firsthand experience – continue to work on your recovery too. Balance that stuff out. Do the things that have brought you to where you are now. Meetings, work, prayer, meditation…whatever it is that brings you in balance and centered. I know that when I don’t do those things…I get squirrely and almost anything gets me emotional and off center.

    Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way. We’ll be here whenever you feel the pull to write.

    Blessings
    Paul

    1. Paul, thank you so much for your support. It means a lot. I’ve watched you do this and it reaffirms my own desire to do the same. I’m doing okay with the memories, but I won’t be if I keep pushing myself, which is why it’s important I preemptively take time away.
      I’m definitely working my recovery diligently, thank God. Digging in. Have 2 sponsees to look after right now and going on a non-conference approved retreat this weekend (two meetings a day). So I’m trying to steward that well.
      Thank you, definitely needing those positive vibes. So appreciated, Paul… peace to you.

  3. This post resonates with me. I’m tired, weary, not all there and not sure how to get back. Some of it due to stress, work. Some of it just there, who knows why. And then you put the solution out there so simply. Self care. Being gentle with yourself. Time. Take care of yourself. We’ll all be here when you get back.

    1. It’s simple to say but not so simple to do! I’ve known what to change for 3 weeks now and haven’t done it.
      So I get it. And I wish you grace and compassion in your process, and some moments of ease and rest.
      Thank you for your care…

  4. Hi Laurie,
    I hopped over here after getting your Six Songs post ready for the first Monday in May and just had to say hello. You don’t know me very well (yet!), but I feel the need to send you peaceful vibes and happy thoughts as you struggle through this crazy life. That could have so been me sitting in the chair listening to poetry and laugh/crying my way through. Isn’t it amazing how intensified experiences are when life becomes overwhelming? Take care of yourself, get some rest and I look forward to reading more of your talented words and insights.
    Michelle

    PS: I LOVE your 6 songs and stories. It’s been a pleasure to put those together.

    1. Hi, Michelle! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you so much for stopping by! Thank you so very much for the peaceful vibes and happy thoughts. I so need them right now. It truly is really interesting how our experiences become so much more “in your face” (if you will) when we are overwhelmed.
      Getting some rest (ish) now and plan to come back strong, when able. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you so much for stopping by, I so appreciate it, and your words and care. And thank you! I love them all, too ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. The pendulum swings. We search for balance by overextending and then taking things a bit too easy. It’s good to recognize these things without beating ourselves up for them. Anniversaries are always squirrelly times. Keep close to God, close to recovery, even if it feels weird. Once these anniversaries pass, things should calm down dramatically. โค

    1. That is definitely my pattern. I’m trying to learn a new way, but I’m not there yet. I’ll get there someday, I hope.
      Indeed… I know this is a squirrely time. Luckily I have a non-conference approved recovery retreat this weekend, and I think that will help a lot.
      Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words โค

  6. Somehow I missed this one, Laurie. Self-care is incredibly important, I’m glad you know when to take a break and step away from things so that you can take care of yourself. I can’t say I entirely relate to what you are going through, but I know that feeling where you can kind of start to feel everything slipping out of your fingers and all the hard work you’ve done to maintain life and grow as a human starts crumbling. That’s definitely when you have to go back to the core of what grounds you– everything else can wait until you’re ready.

    These will be a few hard weeks, but we’ve had hard weeks (months? years?) before and life really does have a way of coming back around. Take care of yourself.

    1. Thanks, Aussa. Honestly self care is vital to me if I want to be able to live my life without going back to alcohol. If I don’t stay up on it, that’s where I start heading. Especially with my past history, it’s SO easy for me to justify using alcohol to numb everything. So I try not to get near that point. Grounding is super important for me. Thankfully I’m going on a recovery oriented retreat this weekend so I think the time up in the mountains (YAY!) and away from “normal” life will help too.
      Thank you so much for your good thoughts and for being in my life, I do truly appreciate you. Have fun in New York City and live it up, love!! Love ya, SW.

  7. Everything Aussa said. Just reading this Laurie, and wanted to hop in your comments and tell you that we’ll all be here when you get back! It’s important to take time away when you need extra reinforcements in life. XOXO #sisterwives

  8. Laurie, given all that you have been through (and I have just begun reading really) you are most certainly allowed to give yourself a break. Indeed, encouraged to do so. You have something special and are clearly a very very strong person. You most definately need to cut yourself some slack and slow things down if that is what you need.

    On a side note, is that ferris wheel from the Worlds Fair in Chicago?? (Devil in the White City was a very good read)

    1. Thanks so much for your understanding, Julie. I find that I have to be really careful with myself to maintain my psychological health. Honestly it’s damn annoying, but it’s worse for me if I don’t. Thank you for your sweet words.
      It isn’t actually! It’s from the fair in Vienna, Austria – 2 years ago. ๐Ÿ™‚ Haven’t been to Chicago as of yet…someday! Also have not read that book, will have to look it up!

      1. It looks like I imagine the one from the Chicago Worlds Fair to look. It was the first ferris wheel from like 1895. I don’t remember where it went after that.. They did some amazing things in Chicago to pull that fair off, it boggles the mind. Oh and there’s a serial killer too. True Story.

        Ha! my understanding?? You have survived so very much at such a young age you need to understand that you are allowed a break. Forgive yourself and cut yourself some slack. Sometimes we all need to watch the wheels go round and not beat ourselves up for it. That’s one thing I have learned, I need to be nicer to me, there’s plenty of people waiting to “beat me up” over one thing or another, I should be on my side. I certainly don’t need to join em!

        You, my dear, are truly inspiring.

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