I am the Key.

 Some wires got crossed recently, I don’t know when, and my brain has been a little bit haywire. Drunk on abandonment issues that keep waving little red flags at me.

My life keeps hinging on whether this person responds to me, whether this person shows up at this place or not, whether people come through for me. Last night, I ended up at a meeting and I carried a black cloud in with me. I felt like it was buzzing around my head like a beehive of yuck. Why? Well, I had been caught up in my own thoughts (problem one) and had gotten really upset about a perceived abandonment issue that has come up a few times now around a certain situation. I was brought to the verge of tears but I COULDN’T CRY DAMMIT which meant I couldn’t process it and move on. So from there it turned into rage-like intensity.

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This is a painful admission. I definitely threw my cell phone at the windshield last night in a moment of intense feeling. I am not sure if I would call it rage at people. It was more like PAIN. Pain that I didn’t know how to deal with, because I came to the verge of tears that I couldn’t cry.

Something niggling inside me constantly whispers to me that people are going to leave me, FOREVER. It will be the end. They all really hate me. They all talk behind my back about how inconsistent I am, and how crazy I am, and how this and that I am. They pretend they love me but secretly behind my back they’re saying things about me. They say they love me but when it comes down to it, they don’t show up for me.

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At least, this is what my head says. And something in me is really, really tiptoeing around the soreness this causes in my heart. For that matter, my heart is really sore about it, and I’m not sure why so sensitive. It’s not always. But it has been lately.

Lately, when people have brought issues like this to me that they are dealing with in their own life, I have one piece of advice for them.

“How are you doing this to yourself? You are feeling this way about what others are doing to you, but how are you doing this to yourself?”

That’s what comes up for me here. I am upset and feel abandoned by others, or at least feel as if they will INEVITABLY abandon me. So – how am I doing that to myself?

Because honestly in the end, I don’t know if it’s so much about what other people are doing to me. It’s about what I allow, about how I take care of myself, about how I speak up for myself, and about how I don’t abandon myself. Not how others don’t do this for me. How I don’t do this for me.

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I am the key.

So now I get to choose if I am going to fight for myself, or not. That’s what I’m working to remember; I am responsible for myself, and I am responsible for staying with myself. I’m working to remember to point the finger where it belongs – right at my heart.

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13 Replies to “I am the Key.”

  1. What an honest post.

    When I drank I was hugely fearful of similar things. It took a good deal of time but I am ok with it all now. I did seek help and they asked my to look at the reality i.e. My wife stuck with me, my kids etc. Look to contradict your feelings with the facts and reprogram your head and heart to work together.

    1. Thanks – I try to be honest, I find that it helps me a lot more when I am. 🙂
      You’re right about looking at the reality. That’s something I’ve been trying to do the past few days when this comes up. I’ve been reminding myself of the people I have had conflict with who are still in my life and still love me as much as ever. But thanks for reminding me again; I need the reminder a lot right now 🙂

  2. Almost all the fears I had then and have now come down to pretty much two or three big ones: fear of rejection> fear of abandonment. Fear of losing what I have. Fear of not getting what I want. All of these are powerful, deep rooted fears. Everyone has them to varying degrees. For me, rejection is more powerful than abandonment. But many of these listed fears brings to us the idea (far-fetched or not) that we will die. If I am rejected, I will feel like I am nothing, then I will die a nothing. You see how that plays out? This is why our psyches and spirits are so attached to these fears because it feels like we are fighting for our very lives.

    You are right that when we are in our heads so much, it spins more and more and we get to darker places. I do that too. I did that recently for goodness sake. But finding our center – with our authentic self, with the Creator, with our spiritual or other path…then we find ourselves moving from the fear and into a safer place. We can certainly find a way to navigate the fears and realize when they are acting out in our lives. But work at it we must. You are doing that here, writing about it, journaling it.

    I hope you are feeling better and thank you for sharing such an open and honest post 🙂

    Be well, my friend
    Paul

    1. Paul, you’re right – so many of these basic fears bring us back to the idea that we will die. And that’s a terrifying one in and of itself! I don’t know which one is stronger for me – rejection or abandonment. They’re pretty close together; coming down to the basic fear that I will be alone.
      I’m working on getting back to center, and also working on facing the fears head on and doing what I need to about them. Taking the action I need to, which actually now that I think about it, does bring me back to center in the end. 🙂
      I am feeling better today, thank you. And thank you as always for being a part of my recovery community.

  3. There’s so much honesty in this post– you are right about fighting for yourself. In the end, you have to make a choice to do that and even though it can be an exhausting, discouraging, sometimes bloody fight, it’s one you can win.

    1. Thanks Aussa. I feel like fighting for myself is pretty much the ONLY fight I can cleanly win! Anything else I fight for seems to get me nowhere. So, back to the front lines, then! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and reading! Means a lot to me, truly. Being seen is huge.

  4. I so relate.

    I no longer have a drinking problem, but I do have a big thing problem, I see in my own life how I am dependent on people places and things and how in my own mind, I have sort of a pre conceived notion of the way things are supposed to work out, and when they dont work out the way I think they should, I get PISSED and my mind spins around searching for the “answer’. Unfortunately for me that answer is almost always based in fear and negativity. Because its my OWN answer. Don’t get down on yourself as that is the normal reaction in the alcoholic mind.
    I cant answer my own questions. Its kind of a weird catch22. After being around these programs for many a moon, its real easy for me to read someone else, but its still damn difficult to read myself. Thats why I still rely on support. Cause I cant really answer my own questions.

    What helped me a lot was reading about acceptance, especially in the Big Book. Google it. Google self centered fear and read all you can on it. Helped me. And don’t hold none of that shit in cause it’ll just fester inside. Find somebody and talk to em. The last place I want to be is spinning around inside my own head. Thats f;n painful. Be wary of anger! Anger is a nasty drug that has left me with permanent scars and a bad hangover.

    Now this might sound corny as heck, but I wrote down on a small piece of paper, “you are loved” and I taped it on the mirror in my bathroom. I don’t know if its working or not, lol, but its worth a try. I also carry in my wallet a biz card with the 3rd step and serenity prayer printed on it. That little card saved my bacon on many an occasion. And I’m still not sure what I believe about God, as it varies quite a bit from time to time, buy I do know, that if I am disturbed and I take out that little card and concentrate on the prayer, I start to see that thing that disturbed me in a whole new light. It works for me.
    Thinking about it now, I used to have the serenity prayer taped onto the the middle of the steering wheel in my car……… I think I’m going to tape up a new one. Thanks for your post and hang in there.

    1. Ooh. Thinking is definitely my problem today, I so agree! And the acceptance part in the Big Book always gets me, without fail. And that section is very applicable here. I have to have some amount of acceptance that people can leave, if they so choose. I can’t force them to stay around in my life. But I can choose to stay present for myself.
      And I like your affirmation idea. I really need to make more of an effort to do my affirmations. My sponsor gave me some to do every day but I slack on them, badly. My friend the energy worker also told me a couple of mantras I need to be using, one of which relates directly to this idea. I get really cynical about affirmations but this keeps coming up for me so I need to pay attention.
      Your comments are always great, Mike… thank you, and thank you for reading!

  5. I know this comment may not be helpful, but you’ve got this! You have the tools, the intelligence, the skills and the self-awareness to work through this. And you’re right, you need to process. Find your quiet place, your safe place. Use your coping mechanisms. Take some deep breaths and try to visualize these events or feelings so you can process them and release them. I hope I read your writing correctly and gave you something helpful. It’s so hard because I truly understand how you feel.

    1. No – it WAS helpful!!! Thank you! This is exactly what I’ve been telling myself. I have the tools. And I have been pushing myself to utilize them. I have had 2 situations come up in the past few days involving moments where I had to speak up for myself and what I need. And that’s a huge part of not abandoning myself is speaking up for myself despite fear of losing the person I’m talking to, or creating conflict.
      Otherwise, I need to also take the rest of your advice; this is really, really good. Thank you, so much. I hope you read your comment as advice for yourself too, if you relate. 🙂 I know that often when I’m saying this to other people, I’m shouting it to myself! 🙂

    1. Indeed. I agree. A good cry generally improves my self-esteem. Thankfully I have a cubicle at work and I work in a place where I can go for an hour without seeing someone’s face… makes it easy for some tears to drop at times (it definitely has happened).
      Funny that you mentioned men though; part of this post was in relation to my fear of men and speaking up to them. Something about a man’s disdain feels incredibly isolating to me. It’s not about the man in specific, it’s usually about just men in general.

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