Dear Self

Dear Laurie,

Last night, I was not very nice to you. Your soul ached and groaned and begged for relief. I am uncertain sometimes still. I really feel inadequate to give you what you need. I had no idea what you needed last night. You were on the edge of the abyss and I just wanted silence.

Beautiful, embracing silence. No more chatter. No more anxiety trying to explode. Just someone holding you and saying, “It’s okay. It’s okay. Nothing is required of you.”

Spending $7 on a pack of cancer sticks was not a nice thing to do to you. Smoking one too quickly was even more inconsiderate. I was trying to make you disappear. You’ve experienced that far too often in your life and here I was, doing it again. I didn’t listen to you. I am sorry. I didn’t know how.

But making you sick by too much, too soon was not the right way to help.

Next time, when you crave silence, I will give you silence. I will not drown you out through substance. I will not stave you off through form. I will hold you until you know it’s okay, until you know I am not demanding anything from you. Going down the road to perfectionism will lead us straight to hell. I know that. Next time, I’ll let you fall over the edge… fall straight into the arms of God.

I’m sorry I desecrated you by putting a disease-causing, mind-altering substance in. My amends to you is the green juice I bought this morning. It’s the quiet agreement I’m going to have with you that I will treat you nicely. Like you are my best friend.

I’m sorry. I love you. I’m going to keep showing you.

[disclaimer: I’m pretty close to not beating myself up on this (haha – but really). The reason I wrote this is because I actually did get nauseous last night after smoking too quickly and I ended up feeling like I did when I was hung over. It was not a nice feeling. I wanted to apologize to myself for what I did and this was how I chose to do so.]