The Promised Land…

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.”

I am about halfway through my amends at this very moment. And I’m starting to get it.

There’s this tinge of something beautiful stirring whenever I send one of those little notes out. It’s terrifying. Terrifying to admit to things, to admit that I was wrong, and in some cases, hypocritical. I don’t know what they will think. But in some ways… it’s like a butterfly’s wings stirring just after emerging from a cocoon.

I know it’s a different part of the Big Book that talks about “looking the world in the eye” but I feel like that’s somehow more applicable for me here. Admitting my part, my wrongs, somehow wipes out shame. I’m not carrying all of that junk around anymore. I can lift my head and feel as though my past is reconciled with my present. “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

The actual action of looking at someone in the eyes somehow feels easier and lighter now.

And this is only halfway.

A friend has been telling me for months to keep working, and once I got through the 9th step I would start seeing the promises. Honestly, I thought “Yeah, okay. Sure. Whatever.” Now I’m doing it. Now I get it. And I, once again, was wrong. The promises are coming true for me. In my non-writing life, I would say “I’m STOKED!!!” 🙂

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4 Replies to “The Promised Land…”

  1. It’s pretty amazing this amends process, isn’t it? That feeling of lightness, the renewed energy , the new outlook on life and one’s self…it’s an awesome thing. And you can only know it if you’ve done it. You don’t have to look over your shoulder any more, or cringe when the phone rings or avoid certain people or places, etc. More importantly, you are more centered in your own body and so much resentment and guilt and shame (as you mentioned) just disappear. Especially shame.

    So glad to hear that you are here. It takes courage to make amends.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    1. I’m astounded by it, honestly. I thought all the talk about it was just that – talk. But it’s been awesome so far. Especially watching the shame dissipate. Crazy.
      Thanks, Paul! 🙂 I’m gonna scoot on over and read your newest post now. 🙂

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