“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.”
I am about halfway through my amends at this very moment. And I’m starting to get it.
There’s this tinge of something beautiful stirring whenever I send one of those little notes out. It’s terrifying. Terrifying to admit to things, to admit that I was wrong, and in some cases, hypocritical. I don’t know what they will think. But in some ways… it’s like a butterfly’s wings stirring just after emerging from a cocoon.
I know it’s a different part of the Big Book that talks about “looking the world in the eye” but I feel like that’s somehow more applicable for me here. Admitting my part, my wrongs, somehow wipes out shame. I’m not carrying all of that junk around anymore. I can lift my head and feel as though my past is reconciled with my present. “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
The actual action of looking at someone in the eyes somehow feels easier and lighter now.
And this is only halfway.
A friend has been telling me for months to keep working, and once I got through the 9th step I would start seeing the promises. Honestly, I thought “Yeah, okay. Sure. Whatever.” Now I’m doing it. Now I get it. And I, once again, was wrong. The promises are coming true for me. In my non-writing life, I would say “I’m STOKED!!!” 🙂