The past 2 weeks have sunk me. Drowned me. In the best of ways. So much of me never wishes to surface. Rumi says, “An ocean woos a drop.” He goes on to say, and I can’t remember the direct quote, that this is the best deal possible and everything should be sold for such a bargain.
I am the drop.
The past 2 weeks has been dark. A hollow grief dug out a place inside my heart. Inside the hole, I sat quietly. Waiting. Noticing the ache. Henry Vaughan says:
“There is in God, some say,
A deep but dazzling darkness, as men here
Say it is late and dusky, because they
See not all clear.
O for that night! where I in Him
Might live invisible and dim!”
I ached and ached. My heart grew bigger. Stronger. Stretching as if awakening from a very long sleep.
I lit a candle each morning. Burned a stick of incense. Read Ecclesiastes, a Muslim contemplative book, Eckhart Tolle. Wrote strings of words in my journal, wandering between sadnesses. Sometimes I cried. Reaching out for the meaning beyond meaning. The quietude of ego, dying. A wretched, painful, yet so welcome death. The contentment of crawling up into the hollow space behind God’s heart, Its hands cradling me like a baby.
I think it was being in that hollow, aching, beautiful space by that Heart I wanted to be absolved into, that made me realize it.
“I don’t want to be the face of an organization. I want to be the heart. Unseen but beating strong. And touching people.”
I rejected a job today with this reason. A job that any sane person might have taken. Any sane person, but me. I knew I wouldn’t have loved it. Liked it, maybe. And most sane people probably think I’m crazy for declining such an amazing job offer. But it was detached from the stillness that has been a thread in my heart the past few weeks.
I want to fall into the darkness and find myself in Him[It]… invisible and dim. I want to find myself behind God’s heart, I want to be so unseen but so beloved. I want to be like that. Unseen by the greater Others, but loving deeply and beloved.
I want to lose myself in the Ocean. Slip quietly through the waters, away from anything that still reeks of land.
Rumi says: “Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”