The worst 4-letter word.

The last week and a half have been refreshingly normal. More than that, the word defining the past week and a half would have to be… humble.

Humility was a word that came up for me at 2 meetings this week, within 2 days of each other. It’s not a topic I hear much, and oddly, it was just what the Doctor ordered.

(Side note: wouldn’t it be cool if Dr. Who was my HP? Not like in the traveling companion sense, that doesn’t work for my love addiction, but in the Time Lord sense. That would be kind of awesome)

There have been many times in my life where I get to a place of overwhelm and forget humility. I continue on, pushing ahead, trying to manage on my own. My mantra?

“IF GOD DOESN’T DO IT I’LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!!!” *huff puff gripe whine collapse*

This past week or so, since my ah-ha that no one can fulfill my needs and that I can’t get over my defect of control all by my lonesome, humility has brought me down again and again. At least once a day I’ve stopped, rolled my eyes upward (sometimes with a little annoyance) and said, “Okay. Help. I give up.”

You know what is funny? Once you get a little humility… help always comes. Sometimes it’s as simple as dropping off to sleep. Other times, it’s getting a call from someone else who needs experience, strength, and hope. But it always appears.

I honestly think that if I hadn’t discovered the key of humility, I would have gone out sooner or later. I’m a supreme white knuckler. As a perfectionist, if I’m told I shouldn’t do something, I can buckle under and not do it. But sooner or later I will explode, unless I have help from something bigger. I know I was heading to the area of explosion because my resentment about having to follow all the rules was growing steadily.

But now, instead of exploding, I find space. I stop. Most of all, I open my lips and push out the worst four letter word in the world: HELP.

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5 Replies to “The worst 4-letter word.”

  1. Thank you for that reminder! I’m future-tripping and trying to control things about looking for a new place to live, and even my prayers have a “your will be done but please let your will be THIS” feeling to them. I have that uncomfortable feeling I get at meetings when my attitude is not in line with my recovery. I need to let myself be at the “help, I give up” stage too. Thanks again!

    1. Future-tripping – I LOVE THAT! That is such a good way to explain it, because it is like a drug. It’s so hard to stay at that desperate place, isn’t it? I’m working back there again myself.
      Thanks for reading!

  2. I’ve been learning this lesson, too. Though for me, it’s been more about trust than pride. I do everything myself because somewhere along the way I internalized the lie that God will only help me if I do everything humanly possible FIRST, sometimes everything super-humanly possible (hey, I said it was a lie!). Somehow I thought that I couldn’t trust God to be faithful unless I had somehow earned it. But you’re right. There is also the pride of being able to do it on my own and not have to rely on God (or anyone else) to help. It’s so much more fun to be the helper than the help-ee. But learning to accept help, both from God and from each other, is how we grow. It’s how we build trust and community. It’s human. Thanks for this reminder!

    1. Of course! Thanks for reading. Ugh, so hard to accept help rather than give it. =P And even harder to actually ask for it! I relate to your “lie” too, that God will only help if you do everything humanly possible first. I see that in myself, too. Almost like I am not deserving of help until I almost kill myself trying to go it alone.
      Also – I really enjoy your blog! Not many people address the intersections of theology and the body, and I find it really enlightening. 🙂

      1. Aw, thanks for your kind words, friend! I’m afraid I haven’t been very active on the blog lately, but I’m always delighted to “meet” like-minded fellow journeyers on the blogosphere. Keep blogging!

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