Hamster-wheeling and Enlightenment.

My post last night was a little too dramatic for my taste. See, I’m on a hamster-wheel about my finances and it’s taking quite a bit to step off. After writing that post, I texted my best friend about 20 times (Carly is a saint, ya’ll) and she coaxed me down. She’s quite good at that. After 19 years of knowing each other it’s kind of our way. We talk each other down from emotional cliffhanging on a regular basis.

When I was able to calm down and look at my emotions more mindfully, I was aware of what was underlying the whole thing. Sure, I’m terrified. By which I mean I’m scared shitless. However, I’m not really terrified about money. I’m terrified that I am in charge of making sure I’m okay, of planning my life out so that I’m well-taken care of. Something in me says that if I make one little misstep, the whole house of cards will fall apart.

My therapist would agree. Last time I saw him he said that it’s all just a house of cards anyway, isn’t it? I’m still getting used to the idea that nothing is permanent or guaranteed. I’m sure being a trauma survivor doesn’t really help that. At the very end of my fear is this idea of what happens when the house falls. In my head, I see myself going crazy. Losing my mind. Also, that seems logical to me considering the vast history of mental illness on both sides of my family. My dad’s side looks especially terrifying, what with its multiple instances of delusions. My grandma, my grandpa, my uncle, and my dad ALL have suffered/continue to suffer in various degrees from delusions. (Delusion = one of the three roots of suffering according to Buddhism)

I looked at myself last night and I saw delusion, expectation, clinging, suffering. I see in myself the same things I see in my dad. Talk about terrifying. I want to run screaming from all the zombies that invade my brain at that thought. Except that I did have the presence of mind to finally return to my sangha last night, and what the dharma talk covered is still with me.

We talked about the 6 paramitas. One of the 6 paramitas of Buddhism is “generosity.” The idea of generosity includes the intention of being generous with my compassion. I see in myself the suffering I also see in others, so therefore can have compassion.

Psh. Who wants to have compassion? I don’t. Are you kidding? THEY are the bad ones! THEY are the wrong ones! Have compassion for THEM?

But then I can’t help it. It just comes. I see back through my ancestry and it’s so obvious. We all struggle against impermanence. We have used delusion to avoid the idea that it’s all falling apart, anyway. I finally can understand why my dad became so afraid and invented the whole delusion of “the Money.” The money was really just a keyword for being rescued from the fear of everything disintegrating.

I carry that exact same fear within myself. The very same one. Terrified that everything’s going to fall apart, I manage and manage and manage.

Which brings me to the third paramita – forbearance. That is to say, acceptance of life. Patience with life’s impermanence. The awareness that “this too shall pass.” It’s staring into the great wide yawning hole inside myself, and falling in.

Do you know what happens when stardust falls into a black hole?

It is enlightened. It transitions to another realm. Scientists are just now lending validity to this idea, but I’ve been fascinated by it for years. I started a fictional story of a girl that passes through a black hole to another dimension. What I was writing was what I needed to say to myself. Fall in.

Paramita. Crossing over to the other shore.

I see it now. May I transition to the other dimension, where the hamster wheel doesn’t exist.

6 Replies to “Hamster-wheeling and Enlightenment.”

  1. Dear Stardust –
    You have so much love surrounding you, I’m here to say & confirm what you already know deep down inside. I love your life & struggles and that you share your version of the scary Dark Forest. I also find inspiration in your words as I see you immerging from the bogs of life. It takes a strong person, full of heart and soul, to rise above their past!! Persistence – it’s that thing inside that won’t let go and I’m glad it isn’t. I know it too. My story though different is one of continued try try and retry. Hope is always in me and now that I’m connected daily to my higher self and the Source it is endless as is my smile.
    I wanted to share a couple things with you – most of which I have just learned and think would resonate with you as well but if not put in your pocket for later. The first thing is a bit of spiritual and scientific hope concerning your family. You do not have to fear your DNA – you can change it!! (I have just recently but that’s a story for another time 🙂
    Next, after reading some of your other posts, I thought I’d share some alternative healing methods/thoughts. I don’t know if you had ever heard of soul loss but it happens when a person has gone through some kind of trauma. A Shaman (todays holistic healer) works to help retrieve the lost part of a person’s soul. Some sites I just found today if you are interested in learning about it all:
    And last – a 9 minute short you’ll enjoy. – you’ll love it even if you already know it all ;0)

    I can’t wait to hear more and watch you blossom like a mountain meadow full of wild flowers. Keep writing my friend – you beautiful amazing soul!!! ❤ Melanie

    1. Melanie thank you for all your encouragement! 🙂 I’m glad you tracked down my blog, by hook or by crook. 😉
      With the DNA thing, I haven’t heard it put that way before but as a psych major I’m well aware that we can change our neural networks. As we interact with the environment in a healthy way, it rewires our brain. Pretty awesome! I wouldn’t be surprised if that affects the DNA as well.
      The EMDR I’ve been doing sounds like it’s been doing a lot of the same things as the shamanistic healing stuff you posted. Just in a different sort of way. I definitely feel like I have recovered myself in many ways. I’ll have to keep that in mind though, not only for myself but for the future in my therapy practice. Might come in handy!
      Sending you love and light dear! Love you much.

  2. I love that image of stardust falling into a black hole becoming enlightened… Gorgeous.

    Keep shining,

  3. I love the imagery too. The crossing over to the other shore. What a wonderful journey that is.

    Fear underlies so much of what I do and how I do it. Separation from fear is what I try to do – to see if for what it is – and yet it does grip me and it leads to things like anger and resentment and a whole myriad of things that don’t serve me. I have had to let go of the fear of financial insecurity – I let things flow as they need. Money, for us, comes when needed. The odd gig here and there for my wife. A bonus for me. A few bucks on scratchy lotto tickets …lol. But we aren’t without. Some savings to fall onto. But would I love to be making more? Sure. Would my wife love to have a consistent job? Sure. But these things happen when they need to. At least, that is how I see it.

    Loving the writing here and the blog 🙂

    Glad we crossed paths.


    1. That separation thing is so hard for me to grasp. And you’re right, it does lead down to the anger and resentment! Yikes. It’s like that quote from the book that says that “fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.” Indeed!
      And every time I hear the 9th step promises in a meeting, I think “Man, I want to get to that place, where I can let go of fear of economic insecurity.” I’m on step 8, though, so we will see if I get there after step 9. 🙂 What was your process like with letting go of financial insecurity, if you don’t mind sharing? What you described sounds like the serenity I’m after in that area.
      Thank you so much for stopping by! Glad you are reading – and I agree, glad we crossed paths! I greatly enjoy your blog as well. Will see you around.

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