Internalizing

Inside my body lives a giant house. It’s got nooks and crannies, and even a secret hiding place. I don’t have a basement with demons in it, but I’ve got a secret passageway in the basement which leads to the attic, where all my demons nest in the rafters. I’ve seen this place in my dreams. I feel it in my bones when they creak.

There’s a little room (one I haven’t dreamed) that I keep locked. On the walls of the room there are mirrors, big and small. They flash, flicker, and gleam. Some of them are old, rusted, and pitted. Across all the reflective surfaces are words.

Inadequate.
Lost.
Invisible.
Alone.
Forsaken.
Broken.
Defective.
Unnoticed and Unnoticeable.
Unimportant.
Ugly.

It goes on and on, reflecting an endless litany of every message, every word They named aloud or silently to describe who I was. The mirrors bounce the messages back and forth between every surface in the room until I’m dizzy.

Recently, I’ve started writing my own messages on the mirrors in red dry-erase ink. Dry-erase, because I can be modified. Dry-erase, because sometimes I need to hear something new. Dry-erase, because I’m a work in progress.

Seen.
Enough.
Worthy.
Noticed and Noticeable.
Important.
Supported.
Connected.
Beautiful.
Resilient.

Paired with these words are moving faces, expressive and full. Faces pronouncing compassion and comfort through eyes, smiles, and soft, reaching lines. In the mirrors I see every single person who has ever affirmed my value and worth. They, unlike the dead words that hang like dementors over my head, are vibrant. Their voices still echo in the room.

I am here now, with a cacophony of sound. The beautiful and the empty all dance together, twisting in my head. But they are both present. Like a sponge, I am slowly soaking in messages and being choosy about which ones I will believe. It’s dizzying, difficult work.

Yet I’m so grateful, for I’m slowly seeing a new face come alive in that mirror. One with sparkling hazel eyes that don’t need alcohol, men, or any stimulation to dance with the life behind them. I’m becoming a moon reflecting the sunlight of the Spirit. I’m internalizing my truth.

Here soon, it’s going to burst out into the wide, wide world. Oh my darling, I can’t wait to see what you become.

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4 Replies to “Internalizing”

  1. Liiiike this post! I have an erasable board on the wall of my bathtub. Not dry erase, but one of those plastic memo boards that use Vis a Vis type markers. It works very well for thoughts and inspiration that arise in the middle of a stress relieving soak. I have the full color set so I can doodle too. So I get everything you wrote. Hugs πŸ™‚

  2. hey girl, (i’m a friend of carly). i just found your blog today and have started reading it from the very beginning. i just came back from a women’s retreat last week. the theme was “words”. how the words that are unspoken affect us. your post resonates with me. here are the words that i copied from the retreat, with a few more added. hopefully they will mean something to you. i believe they are words GOD would use on us. i hope to use them on others who should hear them.

    GOD BELIEVES YOU ARE:

    accepted cleansed justified prominent vital
    admired co-creator known promised waited for
    adopted co-worker lavished on protected wanted
    adored consecrated lead purified welcomed
    anointed covered loved recognized whole
    appreciated cradled lovely remarkable wonderful
    approved delighted nurtured renewed worthy
    authorized delightful outstanding rewarded
    beloved desired paid for transformed
    blessed distinguished planned transparent
    called drawn close planted treasured
    celebrated expected pleasing triumphant
    champion guided powerful unique
    changed healed precious valuable
    cherished illuminated preferred valued
    chosen important prized victorious

    can’t wait to catch up… will follow you for sure!
    d

    1. Thank you D. πŸ™‚ I’ve been saying some of these words to myself already before you posted this, so it was delightful to see them here, too. Softens my heart. Thank you so much for sharing.

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