This has been a heavy week. I can see the silver lining of all of it, still, because I stay connected to the idea that we do not “die” when we die; we only lose our bodies. I can’t say I know what comes after death, but I know it doesn’t make sense that we are annihilated and nothing remains. That thought keeps me tethered after this heinous week.
Usually weeks like this leave me in a very dark place. But I’ve been graced with some good things this week:
A friend who came over just to give me a hug, reminding me that none of us are alone in this world.
Reading some of A Ring of Endless Light; remembering to come back to the light, remembering to affirm life.
Staying away from the news.
Zoning out watching The Life of Pi.
Getting a perfect 100% on a test I had little energy to study for.
Spontaneous movie night with some dear friends, with delicious ice cream and conversation afterwards, which warmed my heart.
And when the movie was a little too intense, a long drive with the windows down through North Cheyenne Canon to clear out my soul. I would swear, swear, swear that my sister Rach was controlling the shuffle on my Ipod, just when I needed to talk to someone who has also looked death square in the face.
Sharing a meditation with a friend.
Seeing a friend walking home just as I was heading out; right at the perfect time that I could give her a quick ride.
(I really can’t believe I’m so blessed to know people like the ones I know now; honestly, my friends have been such a grace this week)
I feel like it’s been a good mix of enacting self-care and just plain being given grace this week. I find it lovely that when I make a move to take care of myself, a Higher Power steps in and hands me some extra grace.
And so, I haven’t reached the dark place that I sometimes get, where the world is terribly full of pain and I’m underneath all of it. Something has kept me buoyant…and though I’ve had a hand in it, I can feel that it’s not only me. I’m not that good.
I’m not saying it’s perfect; today has been another sad and heavy one for me. It’s the 14th anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings. I clearly remember when it happened and where I was when I heard, and how deeply I took it to heart, even at 10 years old. I’ve also been blessed to have survivors of that event as a part of my community, so I share in their pain today. And the other events of the week are pressing in on me. I’ve been teary today.
But I feel it and I’m not overwhelmed by it. Today I explained to a friend as, holding the darkness of the world in one hand, and the light of it in the other. So far, that balance has been maintained; the light makes the dark more beautiful, and vice versa. And that can only be grace.