The past 2 weeks, for me, have been one giant baseball game of “it’s all your fault.” It started with me, at home plate with a bat in my hand. I got that feeling in my gut that happens whenever you know deep inside that your bat will connect with the ball in a resounding smack and send it over the fence.
It’s that feeling that says “Listen softly to me, your intuition.”
I know better than to ignore that feeling. It’s been a hard won year and a half of learning not to ignore it. I even wrote down the things that feeling was telling me. Then, I promptly ignored it, discounted it, decided that I was just afraid.
I still got that home run ball. My bat collided with the ball and it flew over the fence. “CORRECT!! THIS WAS A BAD DECISION!” the fans screamed as I ran around the bases. The cheering turned into a chant. “It’s all your fault!”
That’s a pretty paralyzing little sentence to hear. Especially when your “bad” decision lands you in a place of absolute panic, triggering like crazy to traumas from years ago and the feeling of being trapped. The shame is suffocating, especially when I knew what the result would be before I walked through the door.
And right now, I am trying not to bolt out of panic, out of the stadium and far, far away. Trying to take logical next steps. Trying to be patient while figuring out where to go next. But it’s draining my soul and I can feel my energy leaving.
I’m left with this crawling, achy, sad, dark feeling that all I want to do is hide. Forever. To run, run, run and never look back. Worst of all – it’s all my fault.
I’ve been slowly approaching this little sentence. My proclivity to take responsibility for things that aren’t mine. The ease at which I take it all on myself to prevent… annihilation. But, it’s not ALL my fault.
That word is the definitive one. ALL. Perhaps some. Perhaps my ignorance of intuition. But ALL? That is a grand and overwhelming word to take on. And just because something happened because I ignored my intuition; just because I got hit in the head with a ball, does that make it my fault?
These are things I’m wrestling with. These are things I’m trying to decide.
[Sorry this post is so disjointed; not my best piece of writing]