and I was holding my breath in trikonasana. burning with tears in warrior one, with arms stretched backwards and my chest to the sky.
There I was again, this week. Buried under the grim face of a soldier on the way to battle. The battlefield? Life.
“I’m supposed the be the soldier that never blows his composure, even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, I ain’t never supposed to show it, my crew ain’t supposed to know it…” (Eminem)
This is the normal way I live. The unexpected comes along like a tornado, bursting into my life. I square my shoulders, put my chin up, keep it to myself, and stop breathing. I’ve just got to make it through.
Do you know what I mean? Sometimes this is what we do to survive. Sometimes, this is what I do to survive. This is the mentality that carried me through my traumas – my sisters’ deaths, my marriage, my childhood.
and I walk into a Saturday morning recovery meeting. ambushed by a Power much bigger than myself. assaulted with stories, all of them mine. My words, falling out of the mouths of others.
I am undone. My defenses are down. My heart softens up to the tears that rain so that flowers can grow.
“What are you holding onto that no longer serves you?”
I can control this. Bullets can’t take me down if I keep up this fight. If I don’t let them see me sweat. “You shoot me down, but I won’t fall, I am titanium.” Solid. Unbendable. I’m not going to break down. No one can see this fear that haunts, the pain that terrorizes, this breathless alone that, hushed, drains my heart. I won’t breathe. I won’t feel. I won’t let you see what this is doing to me. I am alone, and no one else will dare to understand, anyway.
and the tears came for an hour yesterday morning while I was thoroughly dismantled. “Swiftly, with nothing spared, I am being entirely dismantled.” (St. John of the Cross) am I going to come down from this ledge… am I going to untangle this despair and fly it like a rainbow streamer for the world to see? will I achingly unfold my heart and open up to the sunlight of the spirit?
There is no distance between you and freedom.“