Sometimes you don’t quite know how much you’re freaking out until silence replaces the rhythm of madness in your head.
No more crazy voices.
No more urges to go back to old habits.
No more grasping loneliness.
Just a gentle quiet that washes over like the nearby beach waves and lulls you back to what you came here for. Serenity.
This week was hard. And I didn’t realize how hard until I came out on this end of it. It’s taken all my effort to stay sober. With all my new found friends luring me towards alcohol… Well no, I don’t think that’s right. Alcohol was calling my name. My new found friends were echoing that call. And alcohol tried to assure me that it would take away this loneliness.
I’ve never been so far from home. I’ve never had to make a life on my own, without some kind of built in identity. I’ve always been, at the very least, “that” girl. Here, I’m not even “that girl.” I’m just Laurie. Who is she?
I’m a little kooky.
My jokes fall kinda short of the punchline, most days.
I love the beach, the salt wind in my face, the endless, endless water that touches the sky.
I play music.
I like studying and I get perfectionistic about it. I want to impress, impress, impress. How do I let it go? That’s a curious question.
In the mad rush and tumble to become something in this world, how do I let go and let God? Everything in me rushes to assure you – I am capable. I am worthy of admiration. I am good enough. When everything in me believes I fall far short of that estimation.
I try to make you tell me what I should tell myself.
“Hey girl. You’re worth it.”
And I don’t need Ryan Gosling to say that to make it true.
It just is.
So when will I let go and believe it?
One day at a time, that’s what I’m gonna work to do.
And this blog may not make a lot of sense to most people, but at least it makes sense to me. And that’s why I write anyway. It’s not for the masses to see how incredibly brilliant I am. It’s not to make everyone else like me. It’s to push out all these thoughts that torment me day and night so I can realize, they’re just thoughts. And sometimes those thoughts don’t even make up who I am. They just drift into my mind and try to drag me down. Or up. I am the one with the choice of which direction I’ll let them take me. That’s why I write. So I can clearly see the directions I’m trying to go. So I can decide which direction I want to go in.
So that I can know, I’m trying to get you to believe in me. I’m trying to get you to accept me. I’m trying to work harder, harder, harder so maybe someday, you’ll validate me.
It’s good to know that because it shows me what I need to give myself.
Thank you for being, Laurie. I so deeply appreciate you. You are a brilliant person. You made it through this last week. That’s just incredible. With all the social pressure and the deep loneliness you felt, that is amazing. You are amazing. Your family life was fucked, you lost your dearest sisters, and you went through a divorce. You’ve got it in the cards to be mentally ill and alcoholic, and you are likely both of those things. But you just keep going! You’ve got resilience, girl. You’ve got bravery, and guts, and talent. Your music is pure. Your voice is powerful. Your words are worth hearing and I love hearing them. And on days when you’re scared out of your mind you’re gonna fail your recovery, instead of going and drinking, you go to the gym instead. And maybe you push yourself too far, almost to the point of throwing up, you don’t drink. You push past it instead. You keep holding on to your truth. Despite your terror. You chose to go to a meeting tonight! And you chose to spend time with people who have what you want. You just keep going, Laurie, and not in a grit your teeth way. You of all people know how close to the edge you were going into that meeting tonight. You finally got that you needed people. You didn’t need to grit your teeth and make it alone anymore. You needed support cuz you’d fail without it. It’s not about gritting your teeth to get through anymore. Because you’ve finally learned something, Laurie! You’ve learned you can get up and keep going in resilience. You can get up and keep going while holding onto precious hands. You can be super brave without bolstering your own self. You’ve learned – you can ask for help, and it just makes you ten times more brave. You have no idea the power you hold, Laurie Anne Works. But you are a special person and a deeply valuable friend, and I’m glad I know you. I hope you continue to get to know yourself, because the more you do, the more you will love what you see. I know I love everything I see in you, Laurie, even the most flawed. Each part of you has some particular beauty. Know that. Remember that. Discover that. I see it in you. Thank you, thank you with all my heart for sharing yourself with me.