Here with my Grandma in Kansas City. I feel really aware of a few things.
To begin with – my anger at my parents is a strong little fire right now. Having to do with the texts I’ve received from both of them right now. Is it justified? I don’t know. But it’s there, and it’s a warm burning in the pit of my stomach.
Being here isn’t easy. I push aside my discomfort in order to shower. Grandma has a shower chair in the shower and has to do several other things to maneuver around the house. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s awkward and strange for me. But I wanted a shower. So, I tried not to think about how odd it is.
It also makes me think of getting old. It’s going to be weird. People will feel weird around me, especially the young who don’t understand the old. I want to be a certain kind of person though. One with less negativity. I want to always try to find a way to make my day better and make someone else’s day better. I want to still try to enjoy my life. Why not? I am still alive.
I want to find a companion who doesn’t care that I have to be wheeled everywhere, that I have to use a seat to help me use the restroom, that my teeth are stained brown and my hair is white and flat and I wear sweats all day long. Someone who will help me and love me anyway and call me his cutie pie. I am awed by my grandparents and how they love each other! Still. After 20 years and being together in the not-so-easy years. They kiss each other and call each other sweetheart and cutie pie. Can I have a serving of that love, please? 🙂
One day I am going to learn how to accept my parents as they are, with all their disease. They are doing what they can with what they have now. Someday I’ll get that and just accept instead of hanging onto my anger at what they do, or even worse, what they DON’T/NEVER HAVE/NEVER WILL. But apparently I’m not there yet. So I’m gonna sit back, relax, and breathe… and just be me. Take care of myself and who I am and the rest will follow.
Even with doing that for the past few months, I’ve found increased selflessness and ability to be in the moment with my Grandma. It’s been really nice to be so intentional with her. I never have been. But it flows so naturally for me now since I have done so much work on myself. I am genuinely one hundred percent interested in her and her story. She told us today how she and her husband met. It was lovely. And about her hometown in Iowa. I love these little pieces of her life that I get to see.
I think the best thing was that I related to her on a spiritual level. I find kinship in her spirituality because she has so little judgment in that way. She actually used to host an interfaith concert! She is friends with the Hispanic bus boy at their regular morning restaurant – she knows his name and pieces of his life. (Intentionality!!) She’s been to Hong Kong, Turkey, and I’m sure she’s been elsewhere. She convinced her interfaith concert to use a Navajo song as a hymn in their concert… a HYMN. What acceptance and grace!! And she refused to call it anything other than a hymn.
Now that is how I want to be someday in my spirituality. Open. Gracious. Accepting.
Even of my parents! Someday I will forgive.
Today I will just breathe in the moment, work with the process, and try to let go and let God have it.