My life currently feels like I just got out of the clothes dryer and am facing a whole different world. When I went in, I was wet. I come out dry.
Last night I watched a movie with Pavel. There was a woman in the movie who had high blood pressure because of her angry husband. Her husband would have incidents of verbally abusive rage, yet the woman stayed and still loved him. At one point Pavel said, “But she loves him anyway.” I replied, “She’s crazy.” He said, “She’s crazy? No, he is crazy! She is merciful!” Last year I might have agreed with him; now this year it’s so opposite, it really seems unthinkable. It just came out of my mouth that she is crazy, because she is. She ended up dying because of being with him. She had no boundaries and she was crazy. And Pavel said she was merciful,
That gives a fairly good description of how it’s been to be here in Europe with two people who don’t quite understand what a lot of my life has been about for the past 9 months. I don’t hate them or fault them for it at all. I just feel adrift and alone. It’s exacerbated by the fact that I feel pressure to “get a man.” It seems like everyone wants me to find someone. It’s hard because I want to find someone, too, but I am choosing not to because I need to be single right now. So add all of that together, and I feel so much pressure and feel very misunderstood. Sometimes overlooked and invisible. Carly is the star – she is a new person and everyone loves her and thinks her hilarious, which she is. I don’t fault them for that either. I realize my relationship with Pavel and Simona has changed since I have divorced. It just makes for a hard time when I come home for lunch and they have bought Cherry Coke for Carly because it’s her favorite drink, but have neglected to get a drink for me. Or when Carly and Simona chat chat chat, and, I both have nothing to say and am barely addressed. Because I am out of place. Am I doing things about this? Of course. I have to take care of myself. I need to or I might lose my mind and feel very lonely. This highly triggers my childhood. So tonight I went and bought myself my favorite juice. And some ice cream just because I wanted some. I am trying to honor myself and my wants right now. It’s harder simply because I am so “islanded” but it’s even more important. I need to take good care of myself to lessen the resentment I am close to feeling. And the loneliness that is terrible both because I really want a boy and I am excluded in a sense.
I am really sad. Really grieving these changes. I am a new person, I feel it, but it means leaving so much old behind. So many old habits, family, friends. Old ways of living. I no longer will lay down and let others run over me, at least not to the extent I used to. I speak up from myself and respect myself more. I am myself, I am not so religious as I used to be, but I am spiritual. And I am grieving because as myself, I am automatically excluded. Not out of rudeness but simply because I don’t fit in the puzzle. I liked this puzzle; I am really sad that I no longer fit in it. I am grieving what I am losing. But what I am finding is so beautiful.
And you know, I find too that being out of place is really pushing me to BE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT. I am almost forced to be myself. And the more I am here the more myself I am. Because it really just doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t fit in anyways. I might as well stand out and just be whatever. I only edit because I must. (my cussing habits really) And part of me is still afraid to be myself. But it is diminishing and I am slowly crawling out of my cocoon. Accepting myself. And letting myself be seen.
“Why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?”