december stories part 1

Things I remember from the week after my sisters died:

Posting lyrics from “Everlasting God” on my Facebook status. ”

Getting a huge peace lily from the Farringtons in Azerbaijan.

Staying up til 4:30am on December 9th so I didn’t have nightmares.

My boyfriend getting upset at the hospital because he didn’t feel like my family accepted him. I was frustrated because it was too much for me to deal with.

Going to visit my dad every day and not wanting to be there. Exhausted.

Going snowboarding the next Saturday.

Meeting with Betty Ross and a lady from Texas. Remembered feeling like it would be good for Grace. I have no idea what they said to us. I wanted the help but I didn’t know what to ask for, or how to ask, or that I could ask.

Jesse answering a lot of my phone calls after awhile.

Mama Shay calling, talking about how horrible it was.

Getting thousands of texts from people.

Russell and Lindsay coming down from Loveland. Lindsay’s card and the CDs she gave me. Russell trying to get me to talk about what happened and I didn’t want to.

Becca came to see me. Tried to get me to talk about what happened, I didn’t want to.

David, JT, Valerie came over and gave us gift baskets. An Ipod. the Anberlin CD. Midnight Pomegranate spray from Bath and Body.

Aaron Bogard came over and just watched movies with us.

Shanthi came over and talked with me for awhile. This was one of the only incidents I can think of where someone came and just sat with me and cared for me… I remember her rubbing my legs, feeling loved…

Going up to the 8th floor of Penrose Hospital to look up some casket information for my Aunt.

Shopping for clothing for the funeral. My aunts bought me an $80 pair of heels without a thought. Not that money matters it was just… out of character.

Waking up the next day and thinking my dad had died, and that I couldn’t handle any more bad news. Trying to go back to sleep and couldn’t. Only got 3 hours of sleep.

Sharon Wall came over and gave me a little stuffed lamb. It made me sad because it reminded me of Rachel.

Shopping for shoes for Stephanie to be buried in.

Everyone was trying to keep us away from the media.

Gil, Lizzie, and Cassidy came to the hospital, we all sat in a little room and talked. I have no idea where that room is in the hospital. No clue whatsoever. Lizzie gave me the bible verse “seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.”

Broke down one night and couldn’t stop crying. I was listening to “If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens. I went upstairs and tried to wake Jesse up but he was sound asleep. I wanted to die. I was sitting in the darkness and I felt so incredibly alone. I wanted the world to end right there in that moment.

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