Saying no.

I’ve said yes to you for too long.

Yes to victimization. Yes to abuse. Yes to doing things that I don’t want to do. Yes to your body. Yes to your wishes forced on mine.

I’ve said yes to you for all my life.

When I was young I really had no choice. I had no way to escape. For years even after being 18 I believed this to be true. I married you, because I thought I had no choice. It’s twisted and strange, but only too true.

Forms of love are often what keep us from saying no. In this case that’s true. I loved you, in a form and fashion. I loved you because I lived off of you. I knew no other way to live. To begin with you made it my prerogative. Then it became the choice I didn’t know I could unmake.

I said yes to living with you like a roommate, because I had never said no. I knew I was worth more. I didn’t know I could say no. I tried to say no in a million ways, but kept you with me because I couldn’t unmake you. I screamed, belittled, raged, threw the wedding ring in your face, got silent, shamed, despised, and disconnected. I found other ways to satisfy yet still keep hold of your hand. I thought I had to.

I signed papers saying that we were no longer connected. I walked away from you, saying no for the first time. My heart was still saying yes.

I met others like you. I didn’t know yet that I could say no. I said yes without thinking. Subconscious memories become action, because I hadn’t undone you. I said yes, yes, yes… Inside, the little girl screamed, “no, no, no!”

There are many ways I can unmake you, and still need to.

But today I am saying no in another form and fashion.

I am saying no to disrespect of my body. My body is worth respect. I am telling the you that lives on inside my subconscious, “No.” I am telling you “I am worth more. I will behave as if I’m worth more. I am beautiful and desirable but I am not a toy. I will not be physically used. I will be connected with physically or I will not use physical touch at all.”

No. I am worth more.

Someday I will give myself the safety and strength to say no to more of you.

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december stories part 1

Things I remember from the week after my sisters died:

Posting lyrics from “Everlasting God” on my Facebook status. ”

Getting a huge peace lily from the Farringtons in Azerbaijan.

Staying up til 4:30am on December 9th so I didn’t have nightmares.

My boyfriend getting upset at the hospital because he didn’t feel like my family accepted him. I was frustrated because it was too much for me to deal with.

Going to visit my dad every day and not wanting to be there. Exhausted.

Going snowboarding the next Saturday.

Meeting with Betty Ross and a lady from Texas. Remembered feeling like it would be good for Grace. I have no idea what they said to us. I wanted the help but I didn’t know what to ask for, or how to ask, or that I could ask.

Jesse answering a lot of my phone calls after awhile.

Mama Shay calling, talking about how horrible it was.

Getting thousands of texts from people.

Russell and Lindsay coming down from Loveland. Lindsay’s card and the CDs she gave me. Russell trying to get me to talk about what happened and I didn’t want to.

Becca came to see me. Tried to get me to talk about what happened, I didn’t want to.

David, JT, Valerie came over and gave us gift baskets. An Ipod. the Anberlin CD. Midnight Pomegranate spray from Bath and Body.

Aaron Bogard came over and just watched movies with us.

Shanthi came over and talked with me for awhile. This was one of the only incidents I can think of where someone came and just sat with me and cared for me… I remember her rubbing my legs, feeling loved…

Going up to the 8th floor of Penrose Hospital to look up some casket information for my Aunt.

Shopping for clothing for the funeral. My aunts bought me an $80 pair of heels without a thought. Not that money matters it was just… out of character.

Waking up the next day and thinking my dad had died, and that I couldn’t handle any more bad news. Trying to go back to sleep and couldn’t. Only got 3 hours of sleep.

Sharon Wall came over and gave me a little stuffed lamb. It made me sad because it reminded me of Rachel.

Shopping for shoes for Stephanie to be buried in.

Everyone was trying to keep us away from the media.

Gil, Lizzie, and Cassidy came to the hospital, we all sat in a little room and talked. I have no idea where that room is in the hospital. No clue whatsoever. Lizzie gave me the bible verse “seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.”

Broke down one night and couldn’t stop crying. I was listening to “If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens. I went upstairs and tried to wake Jesse up but he was sound asleep. I wanted to die. I was sitting in the darkness and I felt so incredibly alone. I wanted the world to end right there in that moment.